true love, doesn't lie

okay when i tell you i love you, dont ask me "really"....i think thats what stung the most. i feel like you really dont believe that i love you. and i mean i totally understand where your comming from and what your seeing. I know that when i told you i got offended because of the whole "oh you prolly werent talking to yusuf, but talking to chris" i got offended, not by the fact that chris was brought up, but the fact that you would think that. i think it was just that i was assuming...it sucks to assume. to think that by you saying that, meant you really thought that. babe, to tell you the truth, completely and honestly. i have not lied to you, i havent hid anything from you, and i do not want to hurt you. i dunno if your just have a barrier that you wont allow me to cross or if i just bring back bad memories from your past, but whatever it is, let it go. i know that we both know im not over chris, but when i say i love you i really mean it. so please dont question that. that hurts me more then the whole chris thing. im trying so hard to show you that i really do love you....so please just give me that chance....i dont know what else to do. i just want to be with you and no one else.

deep thought

so we talked again. about me. but im not really sure if this talk was a good talk or a bad talk. i mean its good that im able to admit that im not over chris yet. i mean its only been a couple months since we really ended it right? thats good...but why do i feel so bad? i hate the fact that i cant give him me 100% but he can. its not fair to him...at all. i dunno if i should keep doing this while he gets hurt, just knowing. thats the thing, the whole "just knowing". just knowing that im not over my ex yet. god why cant i just man up and get over him already?? he's the past. but ian...he's my future. and i dont want that to change. im scared even though we already talked about all this. i just dont wanna lose the best thing thats happened to me. im trying, i really am. i just dont know what i can do to speed up this process. i hate this situation. i wish i could just push the fast forward button, to where he can have ALL of me. gahh. should i be selfish? and just let him keep hurting?? i mean is it really fair to him? its not. but i dont want anything to change. im actually happy with someone for once in my life. i actually trust him and when he tell me he loves me, i know he means it. i dont have to second guess how he feels...for once i actually got what i wanted. but now he's left with the short end of the stick. i wish i wasnt so broken. cause all my pieces are let on the floor. he's picking them up, putting them back together, and improving me. but he's the one who has to get cut in the process....what do i do? i cant make this easier?? i want him to have all of me. all of me 100%....i guess it'll happen in time. i just need to stay optomistic.