i think that the truth is im scared

i know i was frustrated with you, and i really am super sorry. i didnt mean to im just really short tempered. i just dont understand. i guess a fallback of being young eh?? but after our conversation, ive just come to realize that i dont know if i am ready to be independant. i mean ive been dependent my whole life. but i guess i just need to be reminded of why im doing this. im getting a job because i dont want to have myparents worry about me any more. i dont want to burden them with MY rent or MY school. i mean i know that theyll always be there to help me, but its getting harder on the family. i dont want them worrying about me any more, theyve done so much for me already. im just scared. i mean, i dont know if im gonna be good at working or if i can handle working and class at the same time. not to mention paying my own rent, buying my own food. i mean REALLY being on my own. i dont know if i can do it, but i guess i have to think positively. i know that if i fall that you'll be there to catch me, but i dont want to fall. i mean one of my fears is failure....and thats just what it is me being scared of failing. but thats apart of life, you do something wrong, learn from it, and try again. i just have to learn that thats life. oh man im gonna be doing some serious growing up to do cause i know when i go back to vegas i wont be very independent anymore, i dunno we shall see

oh money

man talk about some serious hard times im going through. i mean im almost 100 percent sure that there is someone else having it harder then me, and actually when i think about it...im kinda a wuss for even complaining about this. but life is sooo hard...without money. i hate the fact that my parents are considering filing bankruptcy or the fact that im having such a hard time comming up with money just to pay for rent (for a place i havent even lived in!!). im sooo so so so thankful that i have someone here to help me through all of my toughest of times though. he's paying for my rent, and even helping me out with tuition. crazy right? of course im gonna pay him back, but he really has no clue about how im sooo thankful for his generosity. like really. i mean, if it wasnt for him, i prolly wouldnt be able to finish the semester. hopefully i get a job once im in reno, because if i dont have one...well shoot. i have to come back home after fall sem. and i REALLY dont wanna do that. but i know for sure that im gonna have to head back home after the year is over. money wise, its just to hard right now for my parents nd i. i really hate that it has to come to this, but hey we'll see what the future has to hold.

true love, doesn't lie

okay when i tell you i love you, dont ask me "really"....i think thats what stung the most. i feel like you really dont believe that i love you. and i mean i totally understand where your comming from and what your seeing. I know that when i told you i got offended because of the whole "oh you prolly werent talking to yusuf, but talking to chris" i got offended, not by the fact that chris was brought up, but the fact that you would think that. i think it was just that i was assuming...it sucks to assume. to think that by you saying that, meant you really thought that. babe, to tell you the truth, completely and honestly. i have not lied to you, i havent hid anything from you, and i do not want to hurt you. i dunno if your just have a barrier that you wont allow me to cross or if i just bring back bad memories from your past, but whatever it is, let it go. i know that we both know im not over chris, but when i say i love you i really mean it. so please dont question that. that hurts me more then the whole chris thing. im trying so hard to show you that i really do love you....so please just give me that chance....i dont know what else to do. i just want to be with you and no one else.

deep thought

so we talked again. about me. but im not really sure if this talk was a good talk or a bad talk. i mean its good that im able to admit that im not over chris yet. i mean its only been a couple months since we really ended it right? thats good...but why do i feel so bad? i hate the fact that i cant give him me 100% but he can. its not fair to him...at all. i dunno if i should keep doing this while he gets hurt, just knowing. thats the thing, the whole "just knowing". just knowing that im not over my ex yet. god why cant i just man up and get over him already?? he's the past. but ian...he's my future. and i dont want that to change. im scared even though we already talked about all this. i just dont wanna lose the best thing thats happened to me. im trying, i really am. i just dont know what i can do to speed up this process. i hate this situation. i wish i could just push the fast forward button, to where he can have ALL of me. gahh. should i be selfish? and just let him keep hurting?? i mean is it really fair to him? its not. but i dont want anything to change. im actually happy with someone for once in my life. i actually trust him and when he tell me he loves me, i know he means it. i dont have to second guess how he feels...for once i actually got what i wanted. but now he's left with the short end of the stick. i wish i wasnt so broken. cause all my pieces are let on the floor. he's picking them up, putting them back together, and improving me. but he's the one who has to get cut in the process....what do i do? i cant make this easier?? i want him to have all of me. all of me 100%....i guess it'll happen in time. i just need to stay optomistic.

my life as of right now <333

When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine

I look at you looking at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
Gonna love you boy you are so fine
Angel of Mine

How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm here for now, you helped me grow

Chorus:
You came into my life
Sent from above
When I lost the hope
You show my love
I'm checkin for you
Boy your right on time
Angel of Mine

Nothing means more to me then what we share
No one in this world can ever compare
Last night the way you moved is still on my mind
Angel of Mine

What you mean to me you'll never know
Deep inside I need to show

(Chorus)

I never knew I could feel each moment
As if they were new
Every breath that I take
The love that we make
I only share it with you
You, You, You, You

When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine

(Chorus)

How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm here for now you helped me grow
I look at you looking at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
Checkin' for you boy your right on time
Angel of Mine

I can't believe

I stayed up till 7 in the morning because i was sooo freaked out that my baby was hurt or something. When in reality he hella just fell asleep on me HAH! whatttaaaa bitch asss :P thats what i get for being so paranoid. So each day that goes by, im getting more and more freaked out beacuse certain things havent come yet. omggggg. uggghhh if i think about it too hard im just gonna stress myself out and start with the water works and all that jazz. and lets just not get into that shall we?

So today, me and ian figured out how much i need to make over the summer and how much id have to work so i can afford rent for next sem. bleeehhh i hate actually growing up and do "responsible" things. jeeze fly me to never never world yea?? please?? oh if only. then after being bored the rest of the day because babe was busy, i decided to treat myself to a pedicure haha.

Then a little bit later, gizmo was sniffing the panda express bag and i was just messing with him but guess what he does? HE FRICKEN BITES ME!!! i have to admit i did get a lil freaked out, but i didnt want my parents to yell at my baby so i just washed it, put on some ointment and slapped on a and aid. Omg my hands started shaking and i kept thinking i had rabies or somethin! but turns out i wasnt :D but yea now im just gonna enjoy my boredom with some surgey videos :] toodles!!

the notebook

soo just finished balling my eyes out hella watching the notebook. I know its a hella old time movie, but mengggg. its still a good one. must say, it is one of my favorites. haha dont think ive cried that hard, you know like the whole tears rolling down your face, red eyes, and the hella fug face you make. yeaaaa that kinda crying. i think i cried harder this time that i watched it just because i feel like im actually in THAT kinda love. kinda weird in a way. its just a movie right?? that stuff isnt really real?? oh but for some reason, i really think it is. some people may go about their whole lives not knowing what true love is, and lucky me i found it so early in my life. mann. i cant believe that im in a relation like this, like man. wake me up yea? no nvm give me 5 more minutes. i want this to last.

i miss him soo much. it hurts. hella. i mean i know i really shouldnt be nothing but happy/thankful/grateful/ and lucky. but i cant help to feel sadness. Even though i know he's just a phone call away, i just feel so selfish. cause its just not enough for me, its not cutting it. I really shouldnt be thinking about how much i miss him. like sometimes it really does hurt. buttt him being online and telling me about the house he found will fix that pain....for now at least :P

My yesterday

First off, happy 15th birthday jonah :]
i really cant believe how fast time flies.
haha so with that, i think on jonahs 18th birthday im gonna write him a really sappy card about him being my lil brother. my goal: make him cry mwahaha. lol but thats still 3 more years away.

ANYWAYS
so nothing has really happened in my today so i kinda wanna chit chat about yesterday. One, member when i gave chris his shiz back, turns out he didnt want ti and i told him id keep it. so i just took one of the teddy bears and im giving the rest away. it was really awkward walking up to him to get it, and i could really hear the hurt in his voice. no more then 5 words was said between us. it was a bad feeling for me, but im hoping that with time, that we could be close friends again. lets just hope.

Also, this fool gets drunk at a party haha. it was a fam party since i dont think he wants to go to any other parties. He said he doesnt want girls on him. haha hes so cute. but when he was hella drunk he told me how much he cared. lemme tell ya, havent had a good cry like that by being happy before. then he goes and tells me to hug a pillow really tight and imagine it was him. OMG i hate thinking about how much i miss him. and yet i just broke. litterally. grawr i love him sooo much. and in such a small amount of tie. its kinda scary, but then again im totally okay with it. iono bleh. i miss him :/

This is gonna get interesting

Okay sooo first off i would like just just throw this out there: I am madly in love with IAN. no doubt. perfect guy...yea im not gonna get into that till later haha. that right there will prolly take up its own blog post. but anywhoodle, back to the reason why i made ANOTHER blog acocunt. I made it cause chris found my xanga one and he was all giving me shiizz about it anndd i kinda dont wanna deal with that, so im just making this one instead. He's just getting on my nerves lately. I never eally realized how much of a self absorbed person he is. I mean he really doesnt think about others and just himself and it kinda rubs me the wrong way.

For example...today. So outta he eventually found out that me and Ian were going out, and i know i said i didnt wanna have a boyfriend while i was in college, but this was something totally different. he's not a boyfriend to me, this kid can be my future husband! iono hellllaaaaa gay to say that but i swear its true. perrfffeeecctttt guyyyyy. on the reals. but oh yea...haha got a lil side tracked. but umm so he texts me saying how he wants all his stuff back, and i was like uhhh okay. how he responds? "you shouldnt want to give me the stuff back geeze"....really?? im just doing what your telling me to do you fricken jerk! and today i actually give him his stuff back...or at least i put it in a plastic bag and leave it on the sidewalk. and what does he do? BLAME ME AGAIN!!! GRAWRRR i was bite someones fricken head off!!! you expect us to be friends but its just not gonna happen right away buddy. i know you love making me feel bad for things i do, but im sad to say that this time its just not gonna work.

I cant believe i use to fall for all that BS before. its kinda sad on me. I really was blind until he opened my eyes :] even thoguh chris is really trying hard to make me feel bad or sad or whatever, it just isnt gonna happen anymore. I have someone that takes care of me, thinks of me, and actually cares for me. not saying that Chris didnt, but i mean the extent was totally different. but yea ugh feels good just to let out. next blog, boyfriend time :D